my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
