Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
