I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
