I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
