he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
