I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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