I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
