Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
