HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
