happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
