Will you blow on my dice?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she told me i tasted like america
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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