a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
