Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
