Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
