GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
