I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
