It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
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