I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
