when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
