I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
