just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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