Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
