You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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