youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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