I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
