The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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