two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
