everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
