I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
