It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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