We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
