When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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