dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
