Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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