No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
