You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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