My liver just broke up with me...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
