So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
