Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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