I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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