Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
