Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
