so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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