I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
