I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
