Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
