where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
