it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I fill condoms, not promises.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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