Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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