remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
