I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
