She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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