i think i have two assholes
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This is the high leading the old right now
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
