Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
