so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
