ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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