HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
